


Belonging

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [4]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25997428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: “Are you not going to eat?” Joe asked and it took a bit too long for Booker to realise it was him being spoken to.“Oh right.” he stared dumbly down at the half full bowl he had cradled in his lap.“Are you okay?” Quynh reached out to graze her hand over his arm and without his permission tears springed to his eyes.No one was ever affectionate with him - even before his betrayal - and it pained him. More so because it was of his own making. His feelings of inadequacy have been present in his mind from before even his first death.He’s not meant to be here.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Everyone, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881205
Comments: 31
Kudos: 396





	Belonging

He’s not meant to be here. 

Bringing Quynh back to the others shouldn’t make up for what he’s done and it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it’s something a century of exile could be exchanged with. But they let him stay and Booker is too much of a coward to question what made them think this was enough. 

He feels undeserving of their kindness and he tries so hard to do things right this time around. He follows their lead and doesn’t argue even when he feels something isn’t right. He doesn’t have the right to that anymore. 

But here, as they shuffle back into their safehouse, covered in blood and grime, he wishes he had. The mission had been too much for them in his opinion, but there had been children and civilians involved and their judgement had been clouded. It’s not the first time - and Booker knows with dreadful certainty that it won’t be the last - that their intervention had led to more carnage than had they not been there. 

It weighs heavy on them all and Booker feels utterly out of place. He uses a washcloth to wipe himself down before changing into a clean set of clothes. Andy and Quynh shower together, the latter needing someone to ground her in order to be covered in water, the thought pains him even though he understands and knows that she will be able to do it alone at a later date, she is so strong. 

Nile steals the shower next, and she’s quick about it, no doubt a habit from her military training. She cuddles up between Quynh and Andy on the couch once she’s done as Nicky and Joe take the bathroom next. Booker busies himself in the small kitchen, cracking open canned soup and heats it up on the stove. By the time it’s done Joe and Nicky have joined the others in the living room as well. They are barely able to muster up a smile as he serves them their food but he does not hold it against them. 

When he returns with the final bowls he hesitates for a moment, unsure if he is allowed to settle himself on the couch that Joe and Nicky have taken as their own. There is room for him there but he does not want to intrude and opts for the arm chair instead. The soup does nothing to soothe the chill that has settled itself in Booker’s bones and he can’t quite pinpoint when that feeling first appeared. Usually he’s able to ignore it but it seems that today’s events make it all the more prominent. 

“We did what we could.” Nicky says, finally breaking the silence. 

“You can’t win every fight.” Andy adds as she pulls Nile closer to her, the youngest was taking this the hardest, they hadn’t failed so miserably since she joined them - at least not in the seven months that Booker has been back for. “We move forward from here.” 

They fall into silence again and Booker feels disgusted by the jealousy he feels blooming in his chest. They are all so close, Joe and Nicky always are of course but the tenderness in which they touch each other makes him long for it for himself. Nile had clearly grown closer to the others in the time that Booker was gone and Andy holds her in a way she never held him. 

The few weeks Quynh and him spent by themselves, looking for the others, had been turbulent to say the least. She resented him for wasting his life being miserable and he’d been ashamed of himself, realising she had seen him in her dreams just as he had seen her in his. She had slowly started growing fond of him but just as Booker thought they were getting somewhere they were reunited with the others. He didn’t mention the pain of rejection when Quynh started circulating around the others rather than him. It made sense after all, she had history with them and she had expressed her desire to meet the new one several times. 

“Are you not going to eat?” Joe asked and it took a bit too long for Booker to realise it was him being spoken to.

“Oh right.” he stared dumbly down at the half full bowl he had cradled in his lap.

“Are you okay?” Quynh reached out to graze her hand over his arm and without his permission tears springed to his eyes. 

No one was ever affectionate with him - even before his betrayal - and it pained him. More so because it was of his own making. His feelings of inadequacy have been present in his mind from before even his first death.

He’s not meant to be here. 

He’s the odd one out. The others are so strong, so just and so filled with purpose. Whereas he is just  _ empty.  _ He has never been able to explain the numbness that encompasses him and it’s as unnerving as it is embarrassing how a simple touch can ease that feeling ever so slightly. He never brought that up either. He wonders if what happened over a year ago could have been avoided if he had only spoken up. 

“Book?” Andy is kneeling in front of him, he hadn’t noticed she’d moved, “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah.” it’s a lie and it’s awfully obvious, both in how quickly he says it and in how his hands are revealed to be trembling as she pries the bowl out of them to place it on the coffee table behind her. “I’m fine.” he insists still. 

She grabs his hands in her smaller ones and he feels himself start to crumble. She is so warm and he worries his coldness will taint her and he tries to pull away. She doesn’t let him though and he feels wrong and undeserving but safe at the same time. It’s not making any sense and when a large hand comes to rest on his shoulder he can’t stop the small cry from escaping. 

He lurches out of his seat, dislodging the hands on him and stumbles around Andy to put some distance between him and the others. 

“I’m sorry.” his voice sounds ridiculously small, even to his own ears, and the sad looks he gets from the others make him want to disappear, “I’m sorry.” 

“What are you apologising for?” Nicky asks, standing up slowly, as if not to spook him.

“I shouldn’t be like this.” he shakes his head and makes to leave but Joe grips his wrist to keep him from going, “I shouldn’t be here.” 

Joe, of all people, should agree. But it becomes obvious that he doesn’t when he pulls him close, strong arms wrapping around him from behind, holding him together even though he should just let him fall apart. It’s awkward and tense but Booker feels himself melt a little bit. Nile shuffles over and clings herself to his front and he can’t help the shuddering breath he lets out. 

“This is precisely where you should be.” Joe says so quietly that Booker is sure only he and Nile could hear it, “We’ve got you.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Hush.” Nile pinches his side but he barely feels it, he gets the message though, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”

He bites his lip and lets Joe drag him over to the couch and push him down with Nicky, who instantly wraps an arm around his shoulder. Joe settles on his other side and grabs one of his hands, rubbing soothing circles on his palm with his thumb. It’s silent in the room and Booker lets out a sigh of relief that even his mind has quieted down slightly. He knows it won’t last, both the silence and the cold that Joe and Nicky’s closeness is slowly easing away, but for now he lets himself be content with it. 

“We move forward from here.” Andy says again, and Booker thinks she’s not just talking about the mission. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> This is a request fill from an ask on Tumblr, come talk to me over there pls:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://ebbatriestowrite.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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